How to lose friends and influence on people
Instant results! Proven and guaranteed!
There are countless things you can do to piss someone off. What’s the #1 way to make others dump you as a friend, date, business associate or even just an acquaintance?
Although different people have different buttons and triggers, some behaviors are universally unappealing. So whether what I am about to talk about is #1 or #3 on someone’s list, chances are it’s somewhere up there.
Recognizing this habit in others can be a real time saver, especially if you pick up on it early! The behavior I am going to rant about can be a strong predictor of your future relationship with the person who shows it. Because that individual who is annoying you now, will likely keep annoying you for as long as you remain in contact.
That said, this article is not about recognizing flaws in others. That would be too easy. The truth is that virtually all of us behave that way, at least occasionally, some more than others. You think your in-law or that know-it-all at the office is annoying? Chances are someone can say the same about you.
So, without further beating around the bush,
Unsolicited feedback is for the benefit of the sender.
What does that mean?
- If someone tells you he eats a lot of pizza, will you advise him right away that’s unhealthy?
- If someone shares with you she hates her boss, are you going to jump into the counseling mode and lecture her on staying positive, the correct way of handling workplace issues or regurgitate some other drivel you got from a self-help guru, book, shrink, YouTube or just made it up yourself?
- If someone tells you his cat likes to pee on the carpet, are you going to instantly transform yourself into a cat behavior expert, drag him through a stinking list of what he is doing wrong and top that off with your extremely valuable tips?
- If you believe someone has just mispronounced a word, do you view that as an invitation to cut in and correct her (and by the way, you may be wrong about the correction and make a fool out of yourself)?
- And in general, if you are privy to some information about a person: interests, skills, goals, strengths, weaknesses – just about anything – do you view that as a license to tell her what she should do?
Have you ever done anything from that list or similar? If not you must be a saint. 😇 Has any of that ever been done to you? How did that feel?
Pushing unsolicited advice or opinion is an effective way to get yourself unfriended.
Some may view you as arrogant: you may appear as if you think you know better what’s good for another person. Others may decide you are being disrespectful in crossing the boundaries. Or simply too annoying to be around.
And the question is, do you really know better what’s good for another person?
And even more importantly, are you really pushing your opinion for the benefit of the other person who never asked for it? In your heart of hearts, do you truly believe that the other person will cut down his pizza consumption, learn to love her boss and discover the meaning of life because you’ve just put in your unsolicited 2 cents?
Or is it something else?
Of course it is! Read on!
Uninvited feedbackers are only doing their unwanted deed to feel good about themselves. Or even just to feel less bad about themselves! Why?
Because of the neediness they experience due to weak ego.
No matter what show they put on, what delusions of grandeur they may harbor, or how confident or caring they appear to be on the surface. They are all compensating for the weak needy ego!
So, what are the needs of a weak ego?
The need to feel in control
A weak ego is uncomfortable accepting the world and others the way they are. It needs to prove to itself it’s relevant and important. Being weak, it doesn’t realize its own intrinsic absolute value. Instead it seeks external validation by trying to control other people and objects. If that fails, the person with a weak ego may feel inferior, depressed or angry.
Individuals with a weak ego also have trouble controlling themselves and their own urges that they feel guilty or otherwise bad about. Maybe they themselves want to stuff their faces with greasy pizza or tell their boss to take that job and shove it but are too scared to do it.
Even if they kid themselves by rationalizing their fearful behavior as being wise, reasonable or sensible, in reality they are too timid and inhibited to take the plunge.
And what’s their solution? To make sure nobody else enjoys what they cannot. To control others by lecturing, guilting or shaming them. In other words, by imposing unsolicited advice or opinion which has nothing to do with help or care.
The need to do away with interpersonal boundaries
Unwillingness or even inability to accept interpersonal boundaries also arise from the need to control.
An individual with a weak ego is too weak to be confident, self-sufficient and self-reliant. A weak sense of self creates neediness and aversion to boundaries.
Some parents have a hard time accepting their children as they grow up and develop their own personalities, because that requires respecting strong boundaries. Such parents do anything in their power to prevent such boundaries from forming and being enforced. They manipulate, attach emotional strings and buttons, destroy confidence of self esteem and do everything in between to ensure continued emotional dependence of their kids. They want to retain authority over telling their children, even as adults how they should feel about themselves and different situations.
Imposing unsolicited advice and opinion on their adult children is a favorite way to either control or retaliate against rebels by making them feel guilty, angry or otherwise unhappy whenever they dare to show independence.
Any attempt to draw the boundaries are taken personally and met with feelings of hurt and anger. The weak ego instantly becomes bruised and wounded. It is uncomfortable with boundaries because it has no inner faith and is not comfortable with its own autonomy and the autonomy of others.
Does the boundaries issue arise in relationships other than parent-child? All the time! It happens in friendships, romantic relationships and in the workplace. But family is where this pattern is usually learned first to be repeated later in other life scenarios. That’s the root of weak, leaky or even nonexistent boundaries.
The need to be right
The need to control is a big part of the need to be right. Insecurity and low self esteem are another major part. No amount of denial, bravado, sugar coating and pretense will change the deeper reason behind the need to be right.
And when such a person is challenged, the weak ego goes into a crisis mode.
How can they possibly be wrong? A weak ego can’t deal with that. And by the way, it’s weak ego’s interpretation that all disagreements are about being right or wrong, a win-or-lose scenario. The world is not black and white. There may be other interpretations. But the weak ego comes from a place of judgment with its win/lose and right/wrong dichotomies.
For example, one may be right about pizza being unhealthy but what if the pizza lover chooses to have a shorter life that’s full of cheesy joy? Or a shortened stint with the company far outweighed by the pleasure of telling the boss to take that job and shove it?
Weak ego is oblivious to the range of possible interpretations. It interprets any deviation of the surrounding world from its own rigid schema as evidence of its own failing. So it experiences an immediate need to control and to be right.
And because weak ego sees only the negative part, it interprets a different point of view as a threat.
Does strong ego ever feel the need to give advice?
The short answer is no. First of all, because a strong ego is not needy. Someone with a strong ego may want to give advice but not feel the need to do so.
And when to give advice or opinion?
When you are asked for it! Simple enough, right?
Otherwise why not just zip it 🤐 and keep your opinions to yourself? Enjoy a better social life, peace at home and respect at work. Respect everyone’s path in life whether you agree with it or not. And if you feel the need to agree or disagree in the first place? Read above!
Isn’t this article itself a bunch of unsolicited opinions and advice?
Who forced you to read it? 🤔
