Certified Professional Coach
Why coaching?
How capable are we of making personal and business decisions that serve our best interests, figuring out what we want and living happy and fulfilling lives? On a scale from 0 to 10?
If your answer is anything above zero, then why does
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them” ?
And if we have the ability to decide what we want, how successful are we in getting it while avoiding what we don’t want? A British writer and philosopher noted that
“The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain.”
(The above quotes should equally apply to both men and women.)
As a coach, I believe you are fully capable of finding a solution to every challenge and building the fulfilling life you want. You don’t have to leave your song unsung or resort to the stoicism of a cow to make it in this world.
That said, being capable only means one has potential. Doing something about realizing that potential and even becoming aware of the existence of potential is up to the person!
Coaching is the process of helping you realize your full potential.
Can you do it without a coach? Yes! Moreover, a coach won’t give you the magic powers to accomplish what’s physically impossible to accomplish. A coach can just make everything happen much faster. In this lifetime.
In chemistry, a catalyst can make a reaction that would otherwise take a thousand years to occur on its own happen almost instantly.
A coach is a catalyst in one’s life.
Coaching helps move roadblocks out of the way
Blind spots: Can you possibly have blind spots? You may be a miraculous exception but everyone else in the world seems to have them! (Including coaches who themselves get coached on that). How would you know you have blind spots if they are blind by definition? That’s exactly the trick blind spots play on us! We sometimes can’t even imagine there is something else out there. To us, an idea, a solution, a whole different way of thinking simply doesn’t exist, and there seems to be no room for it to exist in the world in principle. Our subconscious mind has a lot to do with this phenomenon. It’s scientifically proven.
Limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world. When we believe in something, it appears to be the truth. It may be true to us at the moment, but it’s not necessarily the actual truth. And it limits us by cutting off opportunities. In a way, a limiting belief is similar to a blind spot except that a blind spot is hiding whereas a limiting belief is sitting there, in plain view blocking our movement forward.
Blocks. Essentially anything that’s holding you back is a block. Blind spots, limiting beliefs about yourself and the world, interpretations of events that don’t serve you, fears – you name it. Those are called internal blocks. You can resolve them working
with a coach. Then there are external blocks – limitations outside your own mind but not necessarily outside your control. Your current work schedule, job requirements, lack of time – those can be taken care of with the right planning and help from your coach.
Fears. The scary thing about fears is that they have many disguises. They don’t necessarily even feel like fears – no heart sinking experience is required. Fears disguise as the voice of reason, understanding the “reality,” the “right thing to do…” the list is virtually endless. They disguise themselves as values: the value to keep peace for example or the value to work hard, even if the rest of one’s life falls by the wayside. When someone says “I should” a lot, chances are there is fear behind that value. And the voice of fear is whispering: “You have to do this or else…!”
Judgments – every kind: you judging others or yourself. The less you judge the more satisfaction you’ll get out of life and less stress you’ll have. And for many people becoming less judgmental requires time and effort. It’s not always easy: we are surrounded by a very judgmental environment and are constantly bombarded, from a young age, by judgmental messages: parents, school, church, media, politicians. To bring judgment under control, some people even resort to a judgment journal. They make an entry every time they catch themselves passing a judgment. Then they review the judgment journal with their coach on a regular basis. Self-judgment also poses a major challenge. But once you start judging yourself less and accept yourself more, you’ll start growing as a person surprisingly fast. Being in a judgment-free environment, a safe space where you are unconditionally accepted makes a world of a difference. And that space is your coaching session.
To sum it up, nobody is doomed to be stuck because of these and many other obstacles. It may take work, but they can be resolved and removed.
Coaching is not about just resolving fears and removing blocks and judgments. Ultimately it’s about building a future to look forward to.
Here is some of what a coach does to support you on your way there.
Accountability. Your coach is not your mother(-in-law), spouse, aunt or any other relative trained in the art and science of nagging! Your coach will not nag you to take out the garbage! Accountability may take many forms, and an important distinction from nagging is that you choose it yourself. You decide if you want any accountability for your plans and goals in the first place. And if you do, in what form. You can be your own accountability partner although a coach usually makes a more effective one.
A sounding board. Sometimes all it takes to gain new insights and perspectives or come to a decision is hearing yourself speak. Or hearing your own words repeated back to you in a safe space without judgment or any opinion attached. That’s what a coach does.
A fearless peer. You may be a senior leader surrounded by an entourage who does nothing but kiss your butt. As they say, it gets lonely at the top! Or you may be a member of the entourage feeling the pressure to conform but still wanting to somehow stand out from the crowd and get noticed as a HiPo. Either way, a coach will listen to you without judgment and at the same time without fear to challenge your limiting beliefs and other blocks.
So prepare to be challenged! Which begs the question:
Do you have to like your coach?
As crazy as it may sound, no! The goal of a coach is not to be liked but to be effective! Of course if you are constantly uncomfortable with a particular coach, at least bring it up or even look for a new one. But it’s normal for the coaching process to challenge your comfort zone to help you make progress. And you may ultimately like your coach exactly for that! But not necessarily at every moment of the coaching process.
Bottom line, what is coaching?
The International Coaching Federation defines coaching as: “Partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.”
This process involves your coach asking you a lot of questions and you talking at least 75% of the time. Your coach is trained to listen to what you say and even to what you don’t say! Yes, your coach can read between the lines. And sometimes what is not said is more important than what is said.
Every coaching session has a goal. You set that goal at the beginning of every conversation. And that is why a coaching conversation is different from a regular conversation. Every coaching conversation has an outcome. If it does not, then it’s just a chat.
And now, to better understand what coaching is, let’s take a look at
What coaching is not
Not Therapy: Here are the key distinctions between coaching and therapy.
- First, therapy is typically based on the premise that the client’s psyche is damaged in some way and needs to be fixed. And that fixing is done by the therapist (with client’s cooperation of course). The keyword here is dysfunction. Coaching assumes the client is whole, not dysfunctional, and doesn’t need to be fixed. The client is fully capable of resolving challenges, setting and accomplishing goals. Partnering with a coach makes that process much more effective and powerful but it does not require therapeutic intervention.
- Second, therapy tends to deal with the client’s past (although the disciples of positive psychology would argue otherwise). Typically, therapy tries to fix something in the client’s past that prevents him or her from functioning. As the result of successful therapy, the client gains insights into WHY he or she is experiencing certain dysfunctions. Coaching, too, acknowledges that the past is a possible source of the current challenges such as blocks. But then it immediately focuses on the future. And the main question to answer is HOW: how to achieve the goals and realize the client’s full potential.
So even though a coaching session may resemble a therapy session on the surface, coaching and therapy fundamentally differ in both the focus and the purpose. That said, therapy and coaching are not mutually exclusive. A client may be seeing a therapist to fix something from the past and at the same time work with a coach on building a more fulfilling future.
Not Mentoring: Been there, done that. What can be more reassuring? Does being adopted by a sage give you a warm and fuzzy feeling? Sometimes that’s exactly what you may want. With caveats:
- There is virtually always more than one successful way of getting from point A to point B. Your mentor may recommend just 1 based on the past experience. But is it truly the best in your particular circumstances?
- Life always moves forward and things change. What worked until now may not work as well in the future.
- You can be just yourself and not the other person. Every situation is complex, and the human factor plays a major role. What’s good for the goose is not always good for the gander!
That’s why a coach won’t give you advice but instead guide you toward discovering what works for you. That may even involve getting help from a mentor to achieve a specific goal. But if and only if you come to that conclusion yourself in the process of coaching. Ultimately all answers lie within you.
Not Friendship: Every friendship is different of course but here are some common themes. Friends mean well but they usually have their own agenda. What agenda?
- Friends think they know what’s best for you. They may say “Do what you think is best for you” but that often just means paying lip service to your freedom of choice or avoiding responsibility for the decision you are about to make. Especially if they don’t like it.
- Friends try to give you advice based on what they would do. They may be saying they are putting themselves in your shoes and may even believe that themselves but… nobody can be in your shoes but you. Your friends are not you. Only you know what you should do. A coach undergoes training to stay judgment-free and not even form an opinion on what you should do. Or, at least to be aware of their own opinions and not let them get in the way. And that’s one of the reasons your coach won’t give you advice. A coach doesn’t have an agenda other than the one that you set for the coaching.
- Friends have egos. And egos have needs. For example, the need to be right and the need to control others (even if they deny that – it’s human nature). Which leads to them getting attached to the advice they give you, the course of action they believe is right for you, their vision for you, their role in your life… The result? Anything from pushy behavior to hurt feelings. A good coach would show none of that. Your coach meets you where you are on your path. Your coach won’t get upset over any course of action or inaction you ultimately choose. Your coach cares about you and is fully involved in the coaching process, but he is not attached to the outcome. Because the outcome is a part of your life that you choose for yourself, not the coach’s life.
- Friends may want to avoid sharp edges and making you upset. They want you to like them, after all. A coach is not there to be liked but to help you achieve your goals which may involve challenging you. (Unless you ask your coach ahead of time not to challenge you about anything… but then why hire a coach in the first place?)
- Friends may play fast and loose with your privacy. Do you really want your friend to know all your deepest thoughts and feelings? Do you really hope they’ll take your secrets to their graves? Never discuss what you said with anyone? Even if you are no longer friends? Of course you can always set boundaries but how will self-censorship serve the coaching process? A coach, on the other hand, is a trained professional who’ll establish a professional relationship with you, judgment-free and fully confidential. A coach doesn’t even need to know your true identity or have any details of your life other than those you want to share. The coaching process will still be just as effective!
- You may not take “coaching” by your friends seriously enough. You surely love your friends but view them as just buddies. Crying in a buddy’s beer may at times work better than crying in your own but that may be just as far as things can go. Accountability may also be less effective with a buddy than a coach.
Not Consulting. You hire a consultant because of a specific area of expertise that a consultant has. A consultant will tell you how to do things to achieve a specific goal. This is not the same as deciding why you want to achieve that goal in the first place, which consultant to pick or even whether you want a consultant in the first place. Your coach, on the other hand, treats you as an expert in your own life. As THE expert. One and only! You have all the power to decide how to run your life. That said, sometimes a coach may have expertise in a certain area and offer you advice. When that happens, your coach instantly becomes a consultant. There is nothing wrong with that as long as the distinction is clearly drawn, and you are fully aware which hat your coach is wearing at any given time.
What about health coaches, nutrition coaches, writing coaches, aromatherapy coaches, fitness coaches, business coaches and every other you-name-it coach? Are they coaches or not?
The words “coach” and “coaching” are used so often, it can get confusing. Here is a way to look at such “specialty” coaches. Many are combining coaching and consulting into a hybrid practice. When someone is making a diet plan for you, she is using her expertise to tell you what to do and how to do it. That’s consulting. Giving advice is consulting. When she helps you find motivation within yourself to stick to that plan and acts as your accountability partner, she is being your coach.
How do I pick a coach?
By using your intuition! Coaching success depends on you establishing an effective professional relationship with a coach, and no two relationships are the same. Personalities matter. Professional training certainly matters but doesn’t guarantee success. Some successful coaches don’t have any formal coaching training.
Does experience matter? It might to some degree but a coach’s overall life experience probably matters more than formal coaching experience. But again, what truly matters is what you get out of coaching. And you’ll never know until you try.
Every coach is different
Coaching offers perhaps the widest variety of approaches of any profession. And no approach is intrinsically superior or inferior to others. All that matters is whether it works for you, the client!
Coaching style and philosophy could be good starting points to consider when picking a coach. Some coaches offer a more down-to-earth logical approach while others may be more esoteric. Some coaches are quicker to move to action plan building while others work with you to make sure you have the mindset necessary to realize your plan. Because sometimes what you say you want and what you really want are two different things, and coaching can help you to know the difference.
It may take interviewing a few coaches before finding the one you want to work with. Don’t be shy about it. A good coach won’t get upset about not being chosen. Because a good coach has your best interests in mind and knows you are the expert in your own life.
How soon will I see the results?
Sometimes you see the positive effects of coaching very quickly but overall, personal growth is a process. And so is working with a coach. It has its ups and downs. Initial euphoria may give way to the realization an effort is required on your part to move forward. Because ultimately it’s you who’s doing all the work to reach your goals. But if you stick to it, you will see results. As they taught us in coaching school, trust the process!
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