I Need vs. I Want: A world of difference
“This book sounds useful. I need to read it!” – said someone.
“Do you need to read it or do you want to read it?” – I couldn’t help but ask.
“What’s the difference?? It’s the same thing! What a weird question!!”
Was that indeed a weird question? Is there a difference between need and want?
Since this article is not meant to be an exercise in semantics, I’ll get straight to the point.
There is a whole world of difference between the two concepts. In fact, when it comes to self-awareness, those two words represent completely different worlds and mindsets.
Need means a lack of something. Need implies scarcity.
Without scarcity, why would the need arise in the first place? The person who experiences a need feels incomplete. An unfulfilled need means fear – because when one needs something but doesn’t get it, there will be negative consequences. And fear leads to a fight-or-flight mindset. Fight for the scarce resource or perish!
Living in the world of scarcity means eking out a life. Being driven by neediness leads to chasing after scarce resources while feeling anxious about the real possibility of not getting one’s needs met and voids filled.
That needy vibe is picked up by others in social, business and romantic settings. That drives many people away because they feel uneasy around a needy person. A need often radiates desperation.
A needy person may be clingy and ready to settle for less out of fear of missing the only chance.
Need means powerlessness and victimhood.
Want, on the other hand, comes from a different mindset.
Want is discretionary. We want something to enhance our lives in some way.
If we don’t get what we want, our world won’t come to an end. Even if it feels at the moment we can’t go on with our lives without getting what we want. We have the power to decide what we want and when and how to go for it.
Because we already have what we may need, we have no reason to be anxious or desperate. There are many ways to get what we want, and the world is full of opportunities.
We want something by choice. Want comes from the world and mindset of abundance.
What about the basic “needs” one may ask? Don’t we need to eat, for example?
That is true for millions of people in the world who are hungry, living in need, and quite justifiably worry about tomorrow. They are busy trying to meet their basic needs due to their life circumstances.
But what about someone with a decent salary not facing the possibility of starvation but instead deciding which restaurant out of a thousand to eat at on a Friday night? Is that person coming from need or want? Even if he or she is feeling a bit hungry at the moment.
Now back to the book example from the beginning of this article.
Was there a real need for the book? Probably not: that person had done well until that point without ever hearing about the book. And who is likely to get more out of the book or even finish it: Someone truly interested and reading it voluntarily or someone who just wants to buy it out of fear of missing out?
So, what about the person who said “I need to read it!”? A needy mindset? It may not be possible to draw conclusions based on a single statement but if there is a pattern, that choice of words may be meaningful.
Such a pattern could signal a person’s typical way of thinking, perception of the world and the degree of self awareness. In a coaching setting, a pattern of frequently saying “I need” along with other disempowering words and phrases would be certainly something worth bringing to the client’s attention and exploring further.
And speaking of coaching, here is a question:
Do you NEED a coach?
This question is not unusual. Or, someone may say, “My niece (brother, significant other, etc.) needs coaching!”
So do you need a coach?
No you don’t. You don’t NEED a coach. Perhaps realizing that you are fine the way you are and don’t need anything is a milestone on the road to self-awareness that may even eventually lead you to a coach. But then, you won’t be coming from the mindset of scarcity. You’ll be looking to go from good to great in the world of plenty.
